»Dear Ladies & Gentlemen, hello Bavarians: Grüß Gott!
I’m very much obliged to my friend Angela and Professor Sauerkraut, who invited me here to the original habitat of your lovely tribe. I’ve known Bavarian customs yet from the famous october fest in Candle Creek, Wisconsin, and I’m glad to discover that in reality it’s exactly the same!
I just enjoyed the stunning performance of your fantastic Nightmare Horn players. I wonder if these instruments were constructed by the famous Swiss engineer Stradivarius? Not to mention those gorgeous Mountain Snipers! I found their upward growing beards very inspiring. Nothing is impossible – an American needn’t be told!
Coming directly from the white house, your white beer and white sausages are also perfectly matching. I hope you didn’t create all this stuff especially for me? In fact, the beer has almost the color of my skin – so why do you consider the beer white and me black? Is this a tribal degeneration of your color vision? Well, as I was told, the name of your settlement, „Krün“, means „green“ – and this time you’re quite correct: everything is very, very green in Bavaria! I love it!
By the way, one of your newspapers wrote about „Potemkin’s beer gardens“ at Downtown Krün. What does that mean? Potemkin?? Are there Russians around? Is Putin here?! My gosh, I told you not to let him in, you stupid bastards! Well, you needn’t tell me, I’ll just ask the NSA…«